Growing Pains

We are only as mean as the people around us.

You've Got Time

I don't think it's important that you know you are right. Or rather, I think it's more important that you know you might be wrong but might only know it in retrospect.

When your soapbox unfolds

            I called Ellee the other day to finally tell her what has been going on with me this past month. Calling Ellee is kind of like the last confession for me. The acknowledgement that, okay okay, this happened and is happening and it's not going away. Calling Ellee makes it all real. I think it's because Ellee has known me since I started becoming a person, or maybe because she is far away, or maybe, and probably this is why, but maybe because Ellee always tells me the truth. Have you heard of it, the truth? The truth is like hydrogen peroxide. You know that it works and it foams big like healing but, man, does it burn. Fuck the truth. But it helps. And it's growth, and what else are we trying to do but grow anyway?

            So, I called Ellee. She answered and I took a deep breath and told her all that there was to tell. I thought it would be ugly, but it wasn't ugly. It just was. I told her all these details but mostly I couldn't stop stressing the fact that I had hurt someone and that I was hurting because of it. I told her that I hurt someone I love and that I think I was witnessing adulthood and that I don't want it to ever happen again. And then she responded with the truth. Which I hate. She said, and I'm paraphrasing here, but she said that the sad but comforting thing is that it won't ever stop. We will never stop hurting the people we love, even if it's the last thing we want to do. I mean, come on, what? At first, I just felt the sad and then the comforting dawned on me. I am participating in the human condition – hurting and being hurt by the people I love. And while that is sad, at least we are in it together. And, somehow, it fosters a beautiful ability to forgive and a deep understanding of what it means to have empathy and to love unconditionally. We are flawed, but at least we are all flawed. At least we are in it together.

The Dream

Marisa Matluck Photography / marisamatluck.com

G'morning

I know that nighttime is lonely time. That after 8 pm, you are acutely aware that you are single.

But I’m finding mornings to actually be worse. Mornings are somehow both my most productive time and my achiest. Is that a word? Achiest? Achy-ist. I’m very productive at aching between get out of bed o’clock and breaking for lunch.

Days hold potential, which sounds obvious but little is truly obvious. And it’s intimidating to wake up and know that, “hey, I have to fill this potential ‘alone.’” That word, alone, so ominous. Which is silly, because alone is not actually a synonym for single.

By the end of day, by nighttime and after 8 pm, at least we have evidence that we can fill that potential without that other person. But in the morning, we still have to prove it to ourselves. And it’s achy. 

i love Joy the Baker

I am reading a blog in which the author every Sunday writes a “Let It Be Sunday” post. I love this gentle battle cry. Let it be Sunday. Let it be... whatever it wants to be. Let it be Sunday is a conglomeration of the Internet’s finest, and I mean that sincerely. The Internet, our modern day watering hole, lends itself to community building and learning and laughs. Let it be Sunday is dedicated to kicking back and soaking in all this community, but you don’t have to wear pants. I mean, I couldn’t think of a better way to spend the day of rest. So on this Saturday night, all I can think to myself is this: let it be Sunday.

Joythebaker.com

October

It is hard to remind ourselves of the purpose of our pain

In the thick of it

Brunette turned blonde and I’m wondering

Where do we go from here

Romance is the framework by which it is obvious we believe in living in the moment

because we know every pairing fails except maybe one or two or even three.

You know what your odds are

but then you play anyway

Perhaps romance is also the best indication of our madness

And desperation to feel

Feel anything – love, jealousy, frustration, desire

Heartbreak

My friend told me that a friend told her that

There is a certain grace to having your heart broken

And I must say

It’s true

There is grace in forgiving yourself, in trusting yourself with

Well, hurting yourself.

Gracious masochism.

Somehow all worth it in the end
or so they are telling me.

Non-Vegan, Intangible Cheese

I have to leave California in a week. I am sad to leave and happy to return. I miss my Texas friends and will miss my California friends. I have always found this to be the biggest indicator of a good trip or temporary move or even "leave of absence." I'm not really sure what it is this summer was exactly. 

I wanted to post something that best depicted my time here and what I will miss and, for some reason, my photos of the produce from the farmers' market was it. It's so cheesy, but it kind of sums it all up. When I see these photos, I remember the food at Wolf House and eating dinner with Wolf House which makes me think of Wolf House and my messy, spectacular housemates and going to the farmers' market before and after work on Wednesdays which makes me think of work and my coworkers and all the ways we explored "the city" together and the times Santi and I went to the farmers' market with and without Lilah and how Santi was patient while I took these photos for ages and how Lilah bought our 30-person home a huge block of cheese. Ew, this is so cheesy. Which makes me think of the wine and cheese party Wolf House had on my first Friday and how I went from awkward and new to friend and also makes me think of my vegan coworker and my other coworker Bryce who always looked the other way when my vegetarian face ate his chicken and all the times Santi visited and we ate cheese curds on bread for breakfast. SO CHEESY. But here are some pretty tomatoes and peppers and things! 

First, Do No Harm

I am trying desperately to "First, do no harm." It's incredibly more difficult than you would think. Not murdering someone or kicking a puppy is fairly easy, don't get me wrong, but there's all this other things I've been thinking about. The meat industry. Sexism. Unfair trade. International aid that does way more bad than good. Composting. Underpaid labor. Institutional racism. I am so worried about these things. And more. There's always more. When I have tried to research how to do my part on a day-to-day level (or with my entire life and career) to help combat and improve these conditions, I found an argument for everything. For anything. You would be amazed. Worse, there are legitimate arguments out there for most things. Not just ridiculous, emotional crap, but facts and logic and evidence. On top of all of that, I found an interesting article about all of the ways human beings are inherently biased when arguing and picking sides. Did you know we are more likely to stand by the first perspective/side/argument we hear just because it's the first thing we heard? For no reason other than that. We are biologically programmed to be terrible at judging something objectively. So, what now. Where do we go from here?

foster kittens

foster kittens

Marfa, TX

Jax

McKinney Falls, TX

Cassie at Krause Springs, TX

probably these cookies

Sutro Baths, CA

San Francisco, CA

Alex from Wolf House

happythankyoumoreplease

So, as I sit here both away from my life but somehow still living it, I am thinking and reflecting. It's as if my life is a movie -- my Austin, "regular" life -- and I have pressed pause to talk it over with a good friend. As what usually happens, I was filled with immense gratitude. For the people I have found and the spaces we have created together. Spaces both literally and figuratively -- from Avalon to the intimacy born of trust and years and friendship.

I feel that I am a broken record. Every summer, I return here to talk about how thankful I am. But in this instance, I would choose that unoriginality over the absence of its conception any day.

So, we're not actually old now. We're just a little less young.

San Diego

If you haven't heard, this is a summer of winging it. I don't know who my (30!) housemates are, what the grocery store is called or where it is, have only a vague understanding of how I will get my body from point A to point B and have no idea what I will be doing at work. The one person I know well will be about 45 minutes away. Also, is it really going to be 55 degrees? Things I know for sure and am thankful for: they speak English, there will be sunshine, and I am going to be just fine. But, still. It makes a person anxious. As I planned my trip to get to California, I realized I needed to do something to remedy the anxiety. And after some thought I figured out what, or rather who, it would be: Ellee and Sam. Ellee and I have been friends since I was 14 years old. She is one of my most favorite people in the world and I thank my lucky stars for her, or rather, she might just be a lucky star. About a year and a half ago (I think), Ellee married Sam, who is equally as special. They currently live in San Diego, and I thought, what better way to embrace California than seeing Ellee and Sam? I thought it couldn't get any better until we figured out that Santiago would be able to come down from LA and join us. Needless to say, it was a wonderful weekend.

Ellee

Encinitas Beach

After the beach, we had a drink at the Modern Times Brewery. It was awesome!

We ordered the taster which was a little bit of four different beers.

Happy happy happy

Then, we headed home where Ellee made us a delicious dinner.

Since Ellee and Sam are musicians, Santi had a chance to play some music. 

Ellee practices marriage.

Hangin' out

We ended the night with paleo vegan hot chocolate (yeah, that's a thing) and watching a movie.
I fell asleep in five minutes of course. 

And then the next day, Santi and I went on a mini roadtrip to get me to the airport. SF and Berk, here I come!