I Get a Little Bit Bigger

I see Mary in here between the lines. Mary and her beautiful video that I haven't been able to shake for days now.
Mary's Video

Part of a letter I wrote:
Ellee, you are a fabulous, magical person. You light up rooms. You are one of the most loved people I know -- you deserve this love. I am so happy for you regarding Sam. He seems wonderful. I only met him briefly, but I know anyone that you choose must be wonderful. I am excited for your life together; for what you will do together. Sometimes I like to imagine what two stunning people would be able to do if they combined forces; I look forward to watching this play out in your marriage. You will change the world in one way or another. I like to think two people in love and dedicated to each other can do that. I'm almost positive they can. Actually, I AM positive they can.

This Family Sticks Together

I loved this very much.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/steps-to-help-you-evolve-your-views-on-gay-marriag

And It Goes Like This

Summer is finally here.

Breathe deep. Sigh. Smile. Tilt your head back. Thank your lucky stars.

For a day, I reflected on the year I had had. I found it only took a day, though, because I had reflected so often with the best people to reflect with: those that had been there with me every step of the way. My fighters, my shoulders, my study buddies, my secret keepers... my new friends.



"Here we are again." Again.
The clocks paused as I traveled back to my parents' home
my old home, my first home
and then began rewinding.
Rewinding, rewinding.
I somersaulted back through every detail making up this past year
twisted through the memories
the quad, the laughs, the gross food, the beautiful connections
the pot lucks, the formals, the dreams and devilish ideas
until I crash landed back into the same spot as I was
the night before I left for it all.
It is as if I have regressed
I want to prove that it happened
and that it changed me.
But, I don't have to, because it did.
And it will be again.
And it is wonderful to be here anyway.

Besides, I have a thing for long walks down memory lane.

I Gotta Feeling

I think it's that time of year... no, time of life again. It's that strange time of life where the minute that I'm currently experiencing (its 8:37 pm) is torturous because, let me be real with you for a second, I don't want to write one more word about the Cold War, but the time of my life that I'm currently experiencing is fantastic. It is almost summer. I have reached that cliche point in my college experience where "I LOVE COLLEGE" is all I can think to say on the matter. I get to go to New York in five days. I am taking in knowledge like a chocolate addict eats Hershey bars (in excess and with love and obsession). Sara Khan will be in my unyielding grasp very soon. I have the most wonderful friends here at Hook Them University. And, hey, my mother's cooking is only a few weeks away.

Rawr.

Love, Lana

Thank you, Society.


"The body type portrayed in advertising as the ideal is possessed naturally by only 5% of American females."

-Collins, M.E. (1991). Body figure perceptions and preferences among pre-adolescent children. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 199-208.

It Was In A Dream

March 2nd?

Baha.

That was a long time ago.

What has happened since tHeN?!

Let me tell you. Let ME tell you. Let me tell YOU. Let you tell me. Let's tell each other.

Actually, I'm just going to tell you, because this is my blog and not yours.

I really like tea. This is a secret, and you're not allowed to copy me. I don't want you coming up to me and telling me that you suddenly really like tea more than you did already. I do NOT want to bond with you about this. I am just telling you that I really like tea. (Unless we already bond over this. You know who you are. No, not you. YOU... (Ros))

First off, this picture makes me lawl.

But, I really love The Hunger Games. 

They make me think and were quite pleasurable to read.

The boy in the chair a few feet away from me is picking his nose. Ew?

I just learned about these little guys! 

They're HAIR TIES. Cute hair ties. 

I might invest in some later in life.

I cannot wait to decorate my rom next year. I've already started hoarding ideas on Pinterest and on lists in my phone and computer. I know for sure it will look like this:

But it will also include things like tapestries, jars, books, cozy lamps and chairs and BEST PART: Jordan Greenberg! She's great.

It is important for you to know that I love my friends. I love them so much. 

They are passionate and beautiful and inspiring, 

and I don't know why they talk to me, 

but I love every minute of it. I hope that they know that.

 I hope they know that each one of them means the world to me.

This creeper is nice, too. 

This is where Trent will be living next year! 

(And three other special people, too, but I don't know if they would be okay with me essentially putting their addresses online!) 

Trenton, Austin awaits you! 

I cannot wait to go to see The Troubled Sluts Club's shows. 

(Trent and Mary are starting a band)

I'm going to Bonnaroo with Claire, Rob and Trenton! 

According to my Bonnaroo app, 

there are only 55 days, 13 hours, 10 minutes and 48 seconds 

left until that exciting time!

I will be making these next time I go home! 

They are pretzel, chocolate chip, peanut butter cookies. 

In the words of Mary Bryce, "doesn't that sound divine?" 

At that time, I will also get to see my family of funs and Al... 

all of whom I miss kind of terribly.

Now, I am off to do a million things. 

As usual. 

But, I love it. I hope that you are happy. 

I hope that you enjoy your life and realize how lucky you are. 

I also hope you realize that other people deserve a life as great as yours

 and that you should do what you can to make other people's lives better. 

I hope I make your life better.

I'll Tap the Break While You Crack the Window

The Carter residence. A place on a warm map where comfort and happiness are the only thing that matter. It's perfection this home. Perfection because of the people that call it home -- Murphy Carter makes more sense to me now. This home houses food that makes your heart melt, tissues that give your nose a hug, hearts on sleeves, comedy competition and quick wit, generous giving, genuine kindness. I do hope the 3 Carters are in my life for good.

The Crumpled Sticky Note of Worries

(Pardon the grammar errors and such. It's quite late, and I'm quite tired [of school...])

There are moments in life that, when I look back upon them, have me wishing for the ability to travel through time. Moments that make me crave the ability, no, the opportunity to go back and just give my darling younger self a hug.

It is as if I'm watching her in a movie, except it's the film screen behind my closed eyes. I look back and see how I anguished over something that worked out beautifully, although I had no way of knowing it would at the time.

I then experience this strange feeling that I owe it to myself to go back in time and comfort that poor girl -- give her hugs and play with her hair and assure her that things will turn out fine... only time and honesty are ever needed.

Perhaps I will start writing letters to my future self. Although it's reversed and basically unrelated, I do hope it will help throw comfort through time. One) write a testament of how things have worked out in the past, two) save it for one of my future anguished moments, three) see if the reminder in the beauty of things working out helps.

Time is so strange. 

It's the Magical, Mystery Kind

I'm trying out a new life motto. It's kind of crazy. Or, at least, it goes against parts of my Sunday School teachings. I also stole it from a really good movie. The thing is... I think it's a good one. One worth keeping in my back pocket, pulling out for inspiration, tacking up on the inner walls of my mind. The other thing is I think it's one that'll be hard to shake free. I say that because it's one I sort of live by already and have heard in different forms before. We met in the middle, me and this motto.

The motto: We are entitled to happiness and we will be happiest in that happiness when we show gratitude for it. We are entitled to as much happiness as we can handle. If I am not happy, I have the right to seek it... To search around every corner of the earth and in every heart I encounter -- I am entitled to do these things to find my sweet happiness. I have to stop only when I die. And, at that point, I will look back upon my life and smile from happiness about the happiness I was lucky enough to have. I will always throw my arms up and around someone or whatever and express my undying gratitude for my happiness.

While this sounds self-serving and selfish and other scary words with "self" in it, I don't worry about that. I know that I am my most genuine, my kindest, my most generous and charitable, my smartest and sweetest form of myself when I am at my happiest.

Portait Project Phase II

Photography Class Adventures 1

We had a photography project to make a comic story out of two images.
Here is my final result:

"Adventures of Jane the Hungry College Student"

Wait.... What?

I keep ending up at this "new post" page without a clue of what to write about. It's weird because I have had plenty of ideas. However, they all seem to leave me stranded right when I need them. I'm serious -- I imagine myself in my mind of a room looking around confused because, all of a sudden, it's empty and I'm quite alone. My stomach eats itself for a second when I imagine doing this on an essay test. Ew ew ew essay tests... My worst nightmare. Why am I talking about this? I have one coming up. In a long time though. I can't help but feel like these past one hundred-and-eleven words pretty accurately allude to how I've been feeling this past week or so: frazzled, jumbled, slightly dazed. I pity the persons who have to converse with me these days.

Me being frazzled in the library.

Portrait Project Phase I

You think you know them. And you do. Or, at least, you feel as if you're grasping an idea of them. I returned here this January for another new semester but under completely different terms than the last time I came here for a new semester. I had friends this time, familiars -- what a vastly huge difference. And now, I am doing a photography project to mark my idea of the people I've come to know. I've attempted to capture how I view them at this moment. It might change as things do, but at least I'll have these ideas, images, moments recorded. Here is the first round...

Trenton

Murphy

Mary

Sadie

Luke

No, I'm Not

Two Roommates "Happy Holidays"

Midnight City

I'm sitting in the blattic (it's the attic of the dorm across from mine. Doesn't it look like the kind of place people go to die?) and it conveniently has no windows. I don't know how late it is (it's 8:36 actually), so I can't decide if I should be tired or not.

There's about no one on campus. It's really weird.

Sometimes I forget it's not always like this. I have to remind myself that what's normal is people I know and love walking around and being loud and studying and doing young people things.

Lately, I've also forgotten what it feels like not to be sick. I have a gross cold! But, it's getting better.

I just laughed out loud at the memory of Taylor Robinson falling up the stairs junior year!

My stomach kind of hurts and I like math, but I don't really feel like doing any more problems.

I am excited to go home the day after tomorrow. I really hope the sun is shining in Houston because it forgot to in Austin today.

Maybe it's time for me to skidaddle outta here... Writing this makes me feel like I've been isolated in a far-off place or in a submarine or something, and I'm sending out messages to people back home. Maybe that's a sign that finals should be over now.

Blah.

let's all go to sleep
get some shut-eye
and return home
to hang up our shoes by their laces
pause and notice how they're more worn than the last time we were here
pause and let our brains push energy through the pathways
down the axons the electricity sparkles
reenergizing
pause for a long moment
turn the long moment into a nap
we are tired
and happy to be going home

We're Only Here to Find the (HAPPY) That Lingers After

This past semester I've taken to doing things that people happen to think have a high risk of failure. It really doesn't matter whether there is actually a high risk, or less of a risk than society thinks, or more of a risk than I think. This is about people and their perceptions and how it affects their actions.

I think it scares people when someone beats the odds -- it holds them accountable. When someone beats the odds, it makes others feel guilty (if that's the right word) for not taking chances themselves. It completely derails statistics and diminishes our comfort in them.

Why are we so afraid of failure? I was afraid of failure. Am I still afraid of failure? Of course I am. But it's different now, I suppose. Well. I know that if I'd listened to statistics and "people" and my knees that shook in the face of these high risks of failure, I wouldn't have the rewarding life I love thus far. I wouldn't have this lovely greek-less, writing major, texting filled, burnt orange etc etc life.

Nelson's Way

"There is nothing like returning to a place unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."

~Nelson Mandela

Well. True dat, homes.

Only been home for 12 hours and here are the ways I've noticed in which I've altered.

1. I eat twice as much.

2. I swear twice as much.

3. I can run on half as much sleep.

4. (This one makes no sense) I offer people random food items of mine that they would never want. I was drinking from a plastic cup of water and asked my friend mid-sentence if she wanted some. I was eating a Cliff bar and mid-bite asked my friend she wanted a bite. What is this? 

5. My appreciation for good, delicious food has sky-rocketed.

6. My hair is infinitely more messy.

More to come...

Burn Brighter

"People tend to judge based on appearances and give value to looks, whereas the true value is in the meaning of what those surface images reveal."
-Trenton's essay (he doesn't know I did this...)


I like this because it doesn't discredit looks and appearance. I personally can't discredit those things. It is an unrealistic and frustrating thing to attempt. I like this because it defines the true value in looks appearance.

I Can Feel The Static

I wear clothing like costumes. What I'm wearing reflects the particular persona I want to take on on that day, in that minute, that moment. If I'm upset about what I'm wearing, it's not because I'm self conscious about what someone's thinking. I mean, I really don't give a frick. I'm upset because I'm wearing someone else, and not what I'm feeling. I never managed to teach myself to "fake it" (which sounds like it'd make me genuine, but really it means I'm moody), so wearing the wrong thing can certainly be a frustrating thing. On that note, I'm getting up from my desk and changing out of this adorable dress and into my slouchy, lazy Nike shorts and a t-shirt.