Do the Panic

I was going through my messages to Ellee and found this one. It made me smile, so I thought I'd post it. It was written in the last month or so of school.

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Sweet Ellee, Sweet Ellee!

How I love you so much. 

Oh Ellee, Sweet Ellee. Gosh, I'm growing up. I spent so much time running, hurling forward and now it's that time where I pause and step back. Turn around, take a glance, what will I miss? Slowly my steps are faltering, I'm second guessing my pace. Maybe I should sit back and enjoy this a little more.

It's funny how God has people work in my life. Just as you helped me adjust to being here, in this red-coated, Mustang-loving, strange little nook, you're helping me leave it, move on and enter a whole new stage of being.

I can't decide who I want to be in college, if I had to decide now. I think a little more of me, give or take a few things. I'll take myself less seriously, but trust my gut more. I want to give out love the way an unhygienic 4-year-old passes out germs. I want to cook more, judge less and be able to sing. I know, I know, it's not for me to know or decide. But I can't help but wonder, who will Lana be in a year?

Gah here I am again. These questions, no answers. All that I know is that every decision I make now affects Lana in a year. So, that makes me wonder, what are my decisions like now? Maybe I shouldn't've talked so angrily to my mom, to Holly, to the lady at Kroger... But I'm happy for my studying, my loving, my helping. Gosh, I've got a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Good grief, who knows what's going on, I'M SUCH A PERMANENT MESS.

Love,

Lana

I Climbed the Tree to See the World

It's the middle of the night and I so desperately wish I was asleep - school tomorrow, tests, pressure, expectations, smiles, etc, etc - how badly I want energy for all of it. Alas, I am awake, and it is one of those strange moments in the 24-hours where time has no business controlling me, and I am free to think outside of it. 

After closing my eyes for the third or hundredth time, I allowed myself to think about something that terrifies me, that I refuse to think about and refuse to acknowledge: old age. While usually I get sad and fearful at the thought of the very old, I found myself smiling in wonder and awe. These people did it, they did Life, they made it this far; in one of those strange moments where you let your imagination shamelessly wander, I found myself shaking hands with an old person like a celebrity and saying, "Congratulations, can you tell me all about it?" When I sensed that I was okay at this point in my train of thought (I, for the first time ever, did not have a panic attack at the thought of being very old), I imagined what it would be like to be old myself, and I got excited at the thought of having so much to think about, a lifetime's worth of things to analyze and ponder and change into wisdom. My mind wandered on and I found myself thinking about how "leaving a legacy" after you die is more complex than having children and making sure your genes stick around for a little longer; we leave a bit of ourselves on this earth in a thousand different ways. I thought about how I personally wanted to exist still on this earth after death and I realized that I want to live on in words, in writing. Maybe on this blog, maybe in a book, maybe in letters I will hide all over the world for someone to find. Anyway, I'm rambling now, but this is the way of my thoughts and who am I to tell them to stop and pull themselves together at this hour, huh?

If you ever find yourself awake the way I am, maybe you can think a little bit about Life with a capital L, where you'll be and what you, just you, want out of it. Maybe you'll find, like I did tonight, that it's so much more complex and a lot less harsh than you thought. Or maybe you'll get lucky and fall asleep before it all comes crashing down on you like feathers, saving those thoughts for another bittersweet sleepless night.

We Can Unwind and Just Be Free

"At least we know that if we die, we lived with passion."
-Will Pugh

I read this quote recently and, like most things I write about, it made me stop for a second to think. Live with passion. What does that look like? Is it a fiery red dress? Something like mischief in the eyes? A way of walking or holding oneself up? Maybe. Or maybe it's something completely different that you can't see, but know is there. I believe you can tell when someone lives with passion. They're the kind of person that draws you in because something about them excites you. I'm not talking about chemistry, that exists between two people. I'm talking about those people who you have a conversation with and have to do a double-take to see if there really was light bursting from within them or if that was just their personality, their soul. Those people who seem confident in themselves and in their destiny, not worried about Life and the many ways it holds you back and tears you down. I'm not saying they never break down, or get scared or tired. They just keep pushing forward, even if it feels like swimming through concrete. They're the kind of people who you can't help but wonder if they have private, giggling conversations with Life. If they and Life just sit around and gab about the things that make them laugh or make them think. They love Life and, more than that, they trust it like an old friend.

I think we all have the potential to be that person brightly spinning, flying forward 'till death do us part. We all have a life, it's just a matter of truly making it our own. To me, it's just like developing a new friendship into something you can count on- it takes time, honesty, a level of comfort, the ability to compromise and a whole lot of breakdowns- it just happens to be a relationship not with a person, but with Life.

"You can't dance and stay uptight"

I used to believe that there wasn't a purpose in life, so I could just do what made me happy instead of trying to complete some sort of goal. Then, I realized maybe this is our purpose in life: to be happy, to enjoy something so simple and complex as living.

We'll see
where that takes me.

The Beginning of the End

The beginning of the end. I have waited so long to say that about my first days of school. I never thought it would get here and now that it has, I couldn't be more excited and relieved. I made it. I survived and I am finally a senior. Now, when I originally started counting down the days until my last year (sadly I actually almost did starting 9th grade), I didn't like Memorial (my high school) nearly as much nor was I happy to be where I was/am... in high school in Houston, Texas but now, it's a different scenario, huh? I love the people around me, the school that I attend and the life that lies ahead of me but that doesn't take away from my excitement in the slightest. It just makes it different... more lighthearted and positive to say the least :) Anyway, sorry for that awful excuse for a paragraph; here's a list of the classes I'm taking this semester!

1st Period: Economics
While I was not looking forward to this class, I am now pretty happy about it. There's some fantastic kids with me and my teacher is a loud, hilarious football/baseball coach. Perfect for first period in my opinion! I'll definitely be awake after which is perfect for...
2nd Period: Calculus
I love math. I know that's so weird but I really enjoy it and it's great to get it out of the way so early in the day. Now I don't have to spend all of Yearbook studying for it! (I'm sure that'll make Ms. Hartman happy too...) Calculus marks the end of my two math classes. All the rest are thinking/creative/analysis starting with...
3rd Period: Yearbook
In case you're new here or happen to be a complete idiot, I am on the Yearbook staff at my school and it matters to me... to say the least. I have a small class (21 kids) which is what I wanted so that's nice. I'll be doing a lot of work in there seeing as our yearbook is huge so it'll be nice to get some relaxation from...
4th Period: Film Studies
One of the coolest classes offered at Memorial. Film studies. Don't it sound grand? I love movies and analyzing movies and talking about movies so I'm pretty sure this class is the perfect fit for me. We'll be covering a lot of genres and I hope we watch movies that I can discuss next in...
5th Period: Psychology
This will definitely be an interesting class. The teacher seems like a really funny, interesting lady and the material should be something I'll enjoy. We already have a cool assignment in which I get to stalk someone so I'm pretty sure I'll be successful considering I'm one of the creepiest people I know. In addition to improving my creepy observation skills, I feel like Psych really gives me a unique perspective on things which will be helpful when doing...
6th Period: Photography
Oh gosh. I am so nervous about this class. However, I have complete faith in my awesome teacher to make me into a somewhat decent photographer which, believe me, is a feat in and of itself. Something my teacher said yesterday really intrigued and got me even more excited. She was talking about how photography is a form of art and is one of her passions which got me pumped because who better to learn it from than someone who genuinely loves and appreciates it like she does? This "photography is an art" bit, however, made me realize that the creativity will leave me feeling mentally wiped out which means I shouldn't even show up to...
7th Period: English

Aww but I love English and books. I gotta go! Like in all my other classes I've got a great teacher and great peers so this one should be challenging but interesting and enjoyable none-the-less. Good thing I had an easy time with Crime and Punishment, huh? Anyway, I'm looking forward to looking at literature in a different way than the last two years because, like I said, I love me some perspective.

Gotta go do some Film Studies homework. Jealous? You should be. This is the first year ever where I'm really excited to do all of my homework. My how far we've come.

"Pictures Only Prove You Can't Convince"

It just hit me how much I feel like the people of our time, the people who are alive right now are just renting out the world. It's all so... temporary and brief. I was thinking about how I don't really care about leaving my mark for generations to come even though a lot of people do and then I thought about how fleeting this time is and how... well, no one cares that much about what we did after we're not alive anymore. That's scary and controversial and something most people don't want to hear but I mean, that's just how I feel. I mean, I don't disregard what everyone who is dead has done, of course not, but I respect them and their work and that's about it. It really matters what I'm doing right now with the people and things that I have and it shocks me how little time I have to live... I'm only going to be alive for like 80 more years max. That's freaky. Who cares about what I did after I'm dead? I don't want people to spend too much time focusing on what I did. I want them to enjoy the Life around them- the people, the pulse of where they're living, the things, the ideas, the passion- everything that is alive. The only way I want to be involved is in their growth and realizations and discussions, the things that make me feel alive. I don't want them to study the things that I did that won't affect them in anyway, that's a waste of time, I'm dead for crying out loud! Who cares! And now I'm going to flip that around and talk about how I'm going to live my life while I'm alive. I don't want to waste time on this world, on this place that I'm renting out for 100 years or less. I know I sound so cliché but I don't actually believe that 98% of people who talk like this actually mean it. I hope they do though. I want people to realize how short their lives are and how much they have to experience and appreciate. SO cliché. Oh well. I mean it.

Don't mind the grammatical errors. I wrote this quickly and am posting it without proofing it. Oh my gosh this is so long, I'm sorry.

Mumford, SALT and Danika

Three things are on my mind today. I'm going to go over each one briefly (as briefly as I can that is) so I don't overwhelm you with 3 feet of copy to read. I'll consider myself thanked.

1) Earlier in the month, I mentioned a song called The Cave by Mumford & Sons. Well, recently I really looked at the lyrics and Music did that thing where it says, "Hey. I get it. I get it. Here's something to remind you that other's have been through this before."Oh, these lyrics. I often fall madly in love with songs and it's happened again. Here are some of my favorite sections of the lyrics-

"The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind."

"I'll know my name as it's called again."

"I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears."

"And see the world hanging upside down."

"Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be."

"Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind."

2) Now that I'm a senior, I get to (yes, I consider it a privilege!) be a SALT leader at MDUMC. SALT is basically the senior leadership group at MDUMC. While at first this was no big deal to me, I've gotten really excited about it in the past week. We had a meeting on Tuesday night that coincidently came at a time when I really needed to hear about the stability, security and refuge that being a SALT leader would provide. The high school staff was very persistent about letting us know that SALT isn't a job or something that will cause us stress by putting pressure on us  with expectations and mandatory activities. It exists to remind us that "it's going to be alright" while we're stressing and freaking out next year as "big and bad" but, in reality, scared and overwhelmed seniors. It really hit me (although I've known this all along) that they genuinely love us and want to make our lives easier and more peaceful and when I realized that, I got so excited and I felt so much better about my year. They know me so well over there so I won't have any trouble walking in on days when I'm doing really great or especially on days when I'm doing really bad. I just hope that every senior next year has what I have, a place to go where I will always be welcome and a place that provides an escape from my to-be hectic life.


Shoot. That wasn't brief... My bad.

3) Danika! Let's just talk about my friend, Danika. (Or Dani as normal people call her.) I bring up Dani because she just made a really cool blog that shows off her great designing skills. Did I mention she's Design Editor? We'll be taking next year by storm (I hope.) and have been talking about this year's book for ages now. No really, since July 2009. It's kind of embarrassing. Anyway, I've been friends with Danika for a long time now and known her for even longer and I'm excited to be finishing this part of my life with her by my side.

Oh! Here's the link to her blog. Danika's blog!

"Hey Jojo, Don't you forget your name."

Over the last few days and especially today, I was wigging out. I couldn't really place my finger on why but I was definitely lashing out a little bit (sorry to those of you who had to deal with it) and doing the whole grumpy pout-cross-your-arms thing. Anyway, I was thinking about my life and asked myself, "well, what do you want to make your life about?" and was hit in the face with an epiphany. Naturally, I began writing a letter to myself (I sound so like an insane person. It's ridiculous.) and this is what happened.

"You choose what you make your life about.

Don't forget that.

You did not become stressed recently because of anything that happened to you.

You became stressed because you forgot that this is your life.

You choose what your life is about.

Last year,

that fateful junior year,

you started doing things because you wanted to do them.

Not because you were supposed to.

And you became happy

and felt productive

and satisfied

with your life.

You love yearbook.

Stop acting like it's something you have to do.

Because guess what?

You love it.

You chose to dedicate a part of your life to it next year

not because you were forced to

but because you wanted to.

Because you love it.

Don't forget why you love it.

Or hey,

stop forgetting that you love it.

And this college thing.

Get over it, man.

You love to write,

these essays should be making you happy.

And you want to go to college.

To learn

which is something you love,

something worth making your life about.

So buck up.

You love learning.

And you're applying to colleges because you want to go.

Not because you have to.

Stop doing the things you love because you feel like you have to do them.

You're just lucky what you have to do is something you love.

No wonder you crashed.

You idiot.

Stop “playing the part” of the dramatic teenage girl.

It's not satisfying.

And you know it.

Do things because you want to.

You have so much good ahead of you.

Why do you keep forgetting this?

It is your life.

What do you want to make it about?

Idiot."

So cheesy. But it's so what I needed to realize in that moment. 

Go Forth (Compliments of Rachel Weir)

Fantastic commercial. Fantastic Poem.

"Pioneers! O Pioneers!"
-Walt Whitman