Go Forth (Compliments of Rachel Weir)

Fantastic commercial. Fantastic Poem.

"Pioneers! O Pioneers!"
-Walt Whitman

Washing Machine Thoughts

is it bad to like the image you've created for yourself more than who you really are

or are we all just the image we've created for ourselves

Thoughts on thoughts about others

I've decided that you can't know how you feel about someone based on what emotions you're experiencing when you're with them. Actually, you really know how you feel about someone based on what emotions you're experiencing ten minutes after they leave.

This terrifies me

Beauty

AAGGGHHHHH!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

— Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles)

Are we all only the image we want to be, claim to be? Is there more to me than how you see me? If not, is that my fault or the fault of The Human Error? Why do I feel comforted, feel normal when people tell me I'm this type of person or that type of person. Are we only the molds we try to fill?

Silly Thoughts On Books

I’ve been thinking a lot about reading lately. Books are fascinating and I don’t mean what it’s in them (which is fascinating sometimes, don’t get me wrong) but the whole concept of books. Books are the perfect metaphor for fate! We read a book and, if it’s a good one, we can’t wait to find out what happens. Or, sometimes, we get emotionally attached to the character or even the plot, wanting so badly for it be the story of our lives. What’s interesting is that we already have the ending. It’s right there in our hands, merely a some hundred pages next to the beginning. That’s a really weird concept to me. I’m reading a book right now and it’s broken up into three parts; I just ended the first part, which I absolutely loved and refuse to read on because if I don’t, the character is still in Italy. What’s funny is... this is sort of true. But it’s completely absurd at the same time. What a crazy concept, books and stories are. I mean, what happens in the end is going to happen no matter what we will the character to do; but also, as time goes on and as we, as readers, grow up, the stories are still the exact same. The only thing that is different is how we read them, what lessons we get from the book and where we happen to read it. Fate is in the story in that no matter what we do and no matter what the characters do, the story will still end the same way, and we know this... yet, we still mourn characters as if they were our best friends or wish that the world’s we read about are real or even apply what we learn from a book to our lives. This is not meant to undermine the value of a book or story or the act of reading itself. Au contraire my friend, this is amazing! Books are amazing. What a stable anchor in our lives, beautiful stories that never change, what comfort and escape these books give to us.

More On That

Maybe it's not about trying to love yourself. Maybe it's about just getting to know yourself and then you slowly start loving yourself. Kind of like with other people. I mean, come on, love at first sight doesn't exist... not the real, lasting kind anyway. So, kind of like when you get to know someone, you learn what makes them unique, talented and lovable and get close to them and a sort of fondness and appreciation, or love, appears and grows. That's what would probably work best for me anyway

tired

I have school and activities and responsibilities and expectations and a future to worry about and I'm tired. I'm not complaining about it, I'm not having a melt-down or a panic attack; I'm just saying that I'm tired. But what is going to change? There is nothing I can do to make it, what is demanded from me, any different. And ignoring it definitely is not going to help, that will only make things worse. Even when I'm given a week long break to relax, the world shoves college visits and financial aid discussions and pressure to fit in some bonus community service hours down my throat. A vacation trip to Austin is an underlying attempt by my parents to make me consider UT; is this what "relaxation" means now? I know I have the easy life, and I'm not self-pitying; I am lucky, beyond lucky. I am not complaining, not even stressed or in need of a hug. I'm just sighing and brushing the hair out of my eyes, a little melancholy and pensive, and tired. Always tired.

Words Backwards

Time. different a for is that but is, what entirely not is be appears what that proof more yet beginning, the at be to appear they you to end, the at are words these although that is funny what's But, backwards. be to words my caused has ward my realize to time the taken have backwards are that those Perhaps, .(itself in wards a is that and tell, to able be never we'll (for forwards just maybe perhaps or backwards, backwards or backwards are are that those distinguish we Now, forwards. this case, in and backwards my to comparison in backwards real the be could forwards your and wards right the be could wards my know, we all For mine? than backwards less wards your is Why wrong? so that makes what but one order of out an of that is style My living. of way in wards my about think to me leads only thought This forwards? not openly so is that backwards that than crazier that in and backwards twice only is backwards not is what that say to Who's backwards? is what judge we it is Why

"Love yourself." The most hypocritical cliche, but only in sad way.

I find I'm very passionate about other people loving themselves which is sad because I don't know if I love myself. I am like the hypocrite pastor you hear about in the newspaper, advertising fidelity when in reality he is doing what he condemns. That is not to say that I do not believe in loving yourself; I am included in the group I am trying to persuade. I try and I fail and I can never just seem to let go of the belief that I am forever broken and beyond fixing and capable of nothing worthwhile. What does this mean? Why am I this way? I think I know but knowing that does not change much, as knowing the answers rarely does change anything in the end.

This seemingly failed endeavor of trying to love myself, if that even makes sense, all began this summer when I realized how big of a problem it was that I didn't love myself. I felt like I could never completely love others until I loved myself. Just thinking about past experiences really made that clear to me but as I go on in life it comes up as a problem more and more as I begin to notice things that I didn't before. Would I have been mean to that person if I wasn't so insecure about myself? Would I have made that remark if I didn't care so much what they thought? What I have let him treat me that way if I respected myself more? It makes me sound shallow and makes me sound insecure but, to be perfectly honest, we all do it in some form or fashion; we change our behavior because we don't completely love ourselves, I mean.

More than that, I should love myself before I dive into any situation, be it a new position, a relationship or even a new pair of shoes. If I go into it loving myself, not only will I be more peaceful during the whole song and dance but also, I won't be able to be hurt unnecessarily. If I try out for something while loving myself, I will be okay if I don't get it and my happiness or satisfaction will not depend on whatever it is I want. Same with relationships and physical changes. There is a difference between trying to lose ten pounds because I think that it would make me look prettier and trying to lose ten pounds because it will finally bring me satisfaction in how I look. If it is the latter, how soon will it be until I will only love myself after losing another ten pounds?

Loving yourself is not being self-absorbed or self-righteous. Actually, I believe it to be the opposite. Both Kayla and Mrs. Stewart told me, although I'm sure they phrased it better, that loving yourself means being comfortable with who you are enough to be able to serve others and not be concerned with what's is wrong with you. I believed it the minute I heard it because it made perfect sense to me but as I've gotten older and Time has passed, I've found it to be true more and more. To expand on that, not only is it about losing yourself in what you're doing, but what I didn't realize at the time was the sort of peace one feels when they reach that level of comfort and love with themselves. Being able to enjoy an experience without that voice in your head telling you what you're doing wrong is a wonderful thing, and I think those that have reached that level of comfort, even if it was only once, would agree with me.

Additionally, people don't realize how pretty confidence or loving yourself is. I am not talking about arrogance or being cocky; I am talking about people who love themselves enough to be comfortable doing their own thing and won't judge you for doing yours. I'll be the first to say that when I feel insecure I sometimes will bring others down with me, and although I rarely verbalize it, it shows in my attitude, facial expressions or decisions. Being around people who love themselves is comfortable because I can be myself and know they won't criticize me for whatever it is people judge unnecessarily (clothes or hair style, for example); why would they judge me? I are not embarrassing them and they respect my weirdness because it's who I am, just like they are just who they are. And that is attractive in another person, knowing you can be yourself around them. One of my favorite Rob Bell quotes goes as follows because I feel like it gives me a fantastic point of view that I would have never seen on my own,

"The other day my five year old son asked my wife, 'Mom, what does sexy mean?'

She thought about it for a second and then replied, 'sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you.'

Because it all starts with being sexy on the inside."

I know it's not all black and white but for the most part it's true, confidence is attractive and it is generally nicer to be around people who aren't concerned that what they're doing isn't good enough than those that do.

I guess I don't love myself any less than the people around me but that does not mean I will cease to try and get people, including myself, to love themselves. In my dreams, it will become a fad and I will give in to peer pressure and love myself, but thinking rationally, I think it will take a little more than that for self-love and self-apprecation to become a more popular thing. I guess the only thing I can do is believe that I am loved, which I am, and try and figure out why. There's not a quick fix or an 8-step solution but I know it starts and ends with love, as most good and beautiful things do, and bringing myself down is not the correct way for me to start loving myself... Hopefully one day I will stop being concerned with what my hair is doing or what my friends would say and just give what I'm doing my all without fear.

"Old"

Old. I'm afraid of being old. I say it's because I'm afraid of being in pain all the time, or because I don't want to lose control of my body and have to have someone else take care of me. I guess that's partly true. But, I've been thinking- I'm like that now, aren't I? Aren't we all? There's always something that's paining us- physically, mentally, emotionally- and... I don't exactly feel in control of much of anything right now. So what's the problem? I don't know. Maybe it's because I feel like as I get older, I'll lose myself, lose who I am right now and become something boring and unhappy. But is that true? And if it is... if I do change, is that a bad thing? Whenever I look back on who I was, even in the summer, I cringe at the stupid person I feel like I was, will I do that looking back to today or yesterday or tomorrow? So, will I like who I am? Will I be happy? I have no idea. And that makes me afraid, but in a different way. I guess I just shouldn't think about it yet. I guess I should just try to get through high school and college and being 40 before I think about being old.

Jealousy vs Envy

I'm trying to figure out if jealousy is such a bad thing.

Envy, of course, is a bad thing and a lot of people confuse it with jealousy. In my opinion, envy is disliking, almost hating in some cases, someone because they have what you want. Jealousy has nothing to do with the person that possesses said wanted thing but really just has to do with the thing.

Then again, does it depend how much you want the thing or even what it may be? What if it's a person? I feel like that may change things from jealousy to envy. If it's something like a trait, that one can learn to have, maybe patience or kindness, then that's jealousy. Or, if it's something one can work towards receiving, like good grades or a pretty skirt, then that's jealousy. And being jealous can motivate someone to work towards whatever that thing is. So, maybe jealousy has to do with something that is attainable while envy has to do with something that may be very difficult or impossible to get... like a person, lifestyle or ability.

I think that both jealousy and envy start out the same, with the same emotional make up but depending on the ability to get the thing it transforms into jealousy or envy and then causes two different outcomes; jealousy's being productivity and envy's being dislike, anger or meanness.

But maybe not! haha

The Plan We Don't See

(just noticed I wrote the same thing like one week ago but the thing is I have no recollection of writing that so here's this. whatever!)

There are few things better than an unexpected wonderful moment, even one that lasts for four hours long. You expect good things from spending a weekend with your friends, a church retreat or even summer camp but those times when you never saw it coming? Nothing like it. Not only is your day or week brightened by such a great surprise but it really... humbles you. You realize that there is more to your life than what you have planned. Here's the thing, when people say stuff like that, it's normally bad stuff that's not planned, but no one really considers the good stuff. This is why at times we see God as the one who balances out our life by adding bad while we plan the good, but that is so messed up. It is not a huge fault of ours; what else are we going to do? Sit around and wait for good stuff to happen when we could just plan it? But we've warped that into thinking, subconsciously, that we know what will be good always and we know what will be the best outcome. False. That is why, when good things happen completely randomly, it humbles me. It gives me peace, the fact that things are happening in my life that are so beyond me and my current self. More than that, that same peace makes it less scary to enter the world of the unknown in the form of college, the summer@Brown program, yearbook next year and so much more.

"The mind of a man plan his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

-Proverbs 16:9

cool verse huh?

Movie Making

The other day I was, as usual, thinking. This time I was thinking about movies vs. books and I had an epiphany that left me pleasantly surprised. All this time, I'd been thinking there was really nothing to movies. As much as I loved watching movies, watching them was just something that was a lesser alternative to reading books and I, being a sometimes stupid youth, also wrote off all the people that went into making a movie as people who had failed at producing a book.

I know! So stupid it almost makes you sad. I was listening to Harry Potter on tape and was about to watch the movie when it hit me, all the things that writers just get to say, like Harry is feeling this and Dumbledore looked like this, movie people have to create. Oh my god, lets think about what that means. When a writer says the room looked comfortable with shades of brown with the feel of a sanctuary, movie people have to create a room that matches all of those things! That's crazy. And when they get it right, which they do frequently, that's talent. Take actors now, the character felt scared and angry and happy all at the same time. How does one pretend to be that character feeling all of those things? To me, that seems impossible; to an actor, that's what their job. Never again will I compare book making and movie making because really, one is not better than the other, they are just completely different things.

Fellowship

It's funny where you find fellowship, isn't it? I think that's probably the beauty of it actually, that you sometimes would never have expected it. Freshman year, I didn't even know kids made the yearbook and now it's probably the only reason I don't cry everyday before going to school. Every time God surprises me in this way it just gives me more peace regarding my future, even if I can pick what school I go to or where I live, I can't pick the wonderful experiences I will have there.

Fall Semester

At the end of everything, I go through a period of reflection, as most people do. So, with the end of the first semester of junior year (and another semester closer to college!) I get to reflect on everything that has happened so far.

A lot has happened this semester. We juniors went through a lot of change, stress and drama (no matter how silly). Not to mention, the shaky start that came with the huge amount of unfamiliar responsibility set on our shoulders at the beginning of the year. Let's be honest, there is too much to reflect on and not enough time. But, the most important thing, to me, has definitely been how comfortable I have become... comfortable with myself, with my life, with my age, with my surroundings. I don't know why it happened, don't know what changed, what clicked, but it happened, and it's been great. Following this comfort was not ridicule or mocking from my peers, but connection. I found out that everyone is secretly weird, I am just more open about it, and once someone realized I was weird like them, we became friends. School was more fun, life was more interesting, and I was more happy! It's been a great semester. In addition to this, I have been able to watch a lot of other girls go through this sort of self-acceptance adventure. Call it whatever you want, normal, a miracle, an answer to my prayers. It's weird and it's cool and I've loved watching and being apart of it.

Just Your Usual Whining

I want. Oh the things I want. Call it whining. Heck. Call it pleading. I do not care. These are the things I want.

-I want to be happy

-I want to make other people happy

-I want people to see how beautiful they are

-I want people to stop limiting themselves by saying they aren't good enough

-I want these things for myself

-I want uniqueness to be seen as a good thing... because it's natural; it is a good thing

-I want support in my decision of picking a college

-I want everyone (even myself sometimes) to see that there's more to life than grades, a career, and money

-I want everyone to be more joyful.... because it's contagious

-I want everyone to stop using the word love (again. including myself) so casually

there's more. there always is. but for right now... this is what I want.

Oh, Nine!

(pardon my poor wording and grammar... it is late and I am tired, and yet, unable to sleep- the best and worst feeling in the world to me. In addition, this is very much me copying Molly... but hey. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I hear)

December 25th... The end is drawing near. Haha or should I say the beginning. Actually, it's neither. To me, it's a reminder that time continues to move forward. Scary, isn't it? Haha cliche cliche! But seriously. To every cliche there is some truth, mostly truth we don't want to hear... that's why we get to dismiss it as a cliche. But anyway, I'm rambling. So let's do what we all have a love/hate relationship with doing and look back at the past. Whether while smiling, grimacing or blushing- we do it, we love it, we hate it, but all in all, we learn from it.

So Molls style, I'll do it in list form

Reasons why 2009 was great:

Drivers license

Choir Camp

Spring Break girl scout trip- Big Bend

Yearbook/Molly McConn :)

Happiness

Self-acceptance

Lifegroups

New friends... Friends MY OWN AGE.

California trip/moving Westmont to the top of the list

Realizing clothing can be a form of expression

Learning I love to write

God speaking to me in ways I thought impossible

Getting close to my brother/Ryan starting high school!

The arrival of William Lukefahr, the coolest baby in the whole wide world.

The discovery of stumbleupon.com

Quidditch club

Realizing my obsession with good/moving/thought-provoking quotes

Living with Kayla and the Stewarts for two weeks

Trying new things

Fantastic music

My favorite thing of the year however has definitely been watching everyone, including myself, grow this year, junior year. Whatever way it was, everybody did it, and it's been beautiful to watch and take part in.

Now... not so great things of 2009

Allison Aubrecht being taken away

Junior year school stress

The wasting of time in classes where you don't do anything

Carolyn's job changing

Kayla going off to college, although she is so happy so I guess it's not so bad at all!

The destruction of my home on the flood day

Forgotten memories fighting their way into my dreams

The fading away of old friends

Those moments when you ask yourself, "what the heck am I doing?"

SAT/ACT

And the top songs of my year would be... (not in any particular order)

Seventeen Years- Ratatat (no lyrics but still tells one of the best stories ever told)

Times- Tenth Avenue North (a letter from the Ol' Man)

Walking On Air- Kerli ("is this that creepy song?")

Divine Romance- Phil Wickham (don't remember where I heard this first but I love it)

The Story I Heard- Blind Pilot (perfect for the "what the heck are you doing?" moments)

Summertime Clothes- Animal Collective (trippy)

Werewolf- CoCo Rosie (breaks my heart. One of those songs that you can interpret it to fit you)

Mess You Up- Sheanderthal (AGH CALIFORNIA)

Can't Get It Right Today- Joe Purdy (story of my life)

Sleepyhead- Passion Pit (my second favorite song)

But For You Who Fear My Name- Welcome Wagon (actually good Jesus music)

Only The Good Die Young- Billy Joel ("just facts.")

Somebody To Love- Glee version (Claire Hogan is my somebody to love)

Colors of the Wind- Pocahontas (Disney songs always have deep underlying meanings)

First Day of My Life-Bright Eyes (cutest love song)

Home- Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes (I will be playing this song when I come home after I leave senior year)

Break Me Out- The Rescues (run.away.)

Congratulations- Blue October and Imogen Heap (just a dang good song)

Running Up That Hill- Placebo (Christ)

I'm Going Away- Meg and Dia (self explanatory)

Have a Danging Good New Year everybody

Cardio-workout

Homeless people. I like them. Everything they have is real.

Beauty and Vanity

A couple of weeks ago I did this thing. I decided to stop wearing anything more than a T-shirt and jeans and in addition, I stopped wearing any make-up.

What makes me laugh when I look back is how people responded. The people who I told were rather appalled; I mean, come on, voluntarily not wearing make-up or dressing up to school? To some, not everyone, the idea is one never to be considered. Then... there are the people who didn't know. Their responses were, although full of concern, a little bit stressful. I got comments like, "what happened to your eyes?" and, "are you okay? You look really different," or "did you not sleep at all?" These were stressful because, to be honest, taking these two things away was difficult. Which begs the question, why did I do this to myself?

Well, I did it because I felt I was becoming increasingly vain and dependent on appearance to win people over. I realized that I counted on make-up to feel pretty. Not only is that bad but I'd feel the amount I had on wasn't enough so then put more and more on as time went on. Just like any other dependency on something that will not satisfy, this was going somewhere I didn't want to follow. For the make-up part, I had to stop until I found myself just as pretty without it; only then would putting make-up on not be an unhealthy habit. As for the not "dressing up" part of the week, that had to do more with how other people felt about me. I use clothing as a form of expression and to show my individuality... this is not a bad thing. The problem was that as time went on the question that I subconsciously asked myself when putting things on went from, "what is this saying?" to "what will people think of this and think of me?" We live in a world where it is impossible to please everyone or to make everyone like you, so to start caring about what everyone thought would lead only to dissatisfaction and unhappiness and thus, take away the fun I find in "dressing up." So... I stopped "dressing up" until I understood that the clothes I wear can make a statement, yes, but I am the one that allows that and that the statement applies to... so, I can make said statement without "dressing up." Haha. Yeah, that probably doesn't make sense.

What I got out of it was more than I asked for, in a good way. I learned about myself and my self-image and what I wanted out of my appearance. Haha my notes and journal entries from that week are really interesting to me and full of epiphanies but what I realized as I read over them was that the epiphanies were all things people had told me multiple times, I just never heard them. We can be told something a thousand times but until we learn, come to believe or realize it for ourselves we will never hear them. One thing however, a thought that crossed my mind on Day 3, I had never been told before... which actually makes me sad. All the notes of that day consist of this one statement, "thanking God for the way I look... That just sounds like the weirdest thing." Well yeah, it sounds cocky and it sounds like I think of myself as divinely beautiful. Which, for someone who has battled with persistent self-image problems, is just not true. But that's not the point. We are all pretty; we don't have a choice and it's not an opinion. Made in the image of God, made in the image of beauty. So we're all beautiful? Okay... that's a lot to take in. But being thankful for how I look as an individual... scary, a legitimate thing to be thankful for and it doesn't make sense to me. But I guess that the beauty of it... to me anyway. haha cheesy