Silly Thoughts On Books

I’ve been thinking a lot about reading lately. Books are fascinating and I don’t mean what it’s in them (which is fascinating sometimes, don’t get me wrong) but the whole concept of books. Books are the perfect metaphor for fate! We read a book and, if it’s a good one, we can’t wait to find out what happens. Or, sometimes, we get emotionally attached to the character or even the plot, wanting so badly for it be the story of our lives. What’s interesting is that we already have the ending. It’s right there in our hands, merely a some hundred pages next to the beginning. That’s a really weird concept to me. I’m reading a book right now and it’s broken up into three parts; I just ended the first part, which I absolutely loved and refuse to read on because if I don’t, the character is still in Italy. What’s funny is... this is sort of true. But it’s completely absurd at the same time. What a crazy concept, books and stories are. I mean, what happens in the end is going to happen no matter what we will the character to do; but also, as time goes on and as we, as readers, grow up, the stories are still the exact same. The only thing that is different is how we read them, what lessons we get from the book and where we happen to read it. Fate is in the story in that no matter what we do and no matter what the characters do, the story will still end the same way, and we know this... yet, we still mourn characters as if they were our best friends or wish that the world’s we read about are real or even apply what we learn from a book to our lives. This is not meant to undermine the value of a book or story or the act of reading itself. Au contraire my friend, this is amazing! Books are amazing. What a stable anchor in our lives, beautiful stories that never change, what comfort and escape these books give to us.

More On That

Maybe it's not about trying to love yourself. Maybe it's about just getting to know yourself and then you slowly start loving yourself. Kind of like with other people. I mean, come on, love at first sight doesn't exist... not the real, lasting kind anyway. So, kind of like when you get to know someone, you learn what makes them unique, talented and lovable and get close to them and a sort of fondness and appreciation, or love, appears and grows. That's what would probably work best for me anyway

tired

I have school and activities and responsibilities and expectations and a future to worry about and I'm tired. I'm not complaining about it, I'm not having a melt-down or a panic attack; I'm just saying that I'm tired. But what is going to change? There is nothing I can do to make it, what is demanded from me, any different. And ignoring it definitely is not going to help, that will only make things worse. Even when I'm given a week long break to relax, the world shoves college visits and financial aid discussions and pressure to fit in some bonus community service hours down my throat. A vacation trip to Austin is an underlying attempt by my parents to make me consider UT; is this what "relaxation" means now? I know I have the easy life, and I'm not self-pitying; I am lucky, beyond lucky. I am not complaining, not even stressed or in need of a hug. I'm just sighing and brushing the hair out of my eyes, a little melancholy and pensive, and tired. Always tired.

Words Backwards

Time. different a for is that but is, what entirely not is be appears what that proof more yet beginning, the at be to appear they you to end, the at are words these although that is funny what's But, backwards. be to words my caused has ward my realize to time the taken have backwards are that those Perhaps, .(itself in wards a is that and tell, to able be never we'll (for forwards just maybe perhaps or backwards, backwards or backwards are are that those distinguish we Now, forwards. this case, in and backwards my to comparison in backwards real the be could forwards your and wards right the be could wards my know, we all For mine? than backwards less wards your is Why wrong? so that makes what but one order of out an of that is style My living. of way in wards my about think to me leads only thought This forwards? not openly so is that backwards that than crazier that in and backwards twice only is backwards not is what that say to Who's backwards? is what judge we it is Why

"Love yourself." The most hypocritical cliche, but only in sad way.

I find I'm very passionate about other people loving themselves which is sad because I don't know if I love myself. I am like the hypocrite pastor you hear about in the newspaper, advertising fidelity when in reality he is doing what he condemns. That is not to say that I do not believe in loving yourself; I am included in the group I am trying to persuade. I try and I fail and I can never just seem to let go of the belief that I am forever broken and beyond fixing and capable of nothing worthwhile. What does this mean? Why am I this way? I think I know but knowing that does not change much, as knowing the answers rarely does change anything in the end.

This seemingly failed endeavor of trying to love myself, if that even makes sense, all began this summer when I realized how big of a problem it was that I didn't love myself. I felt like I could never completely love others until I loved myself. Just thinking about past experiences really made that clear to me but as I go on in life it comes up as a problem more and more as I begin to notice things that I didn't before. Would I have been mean to that person if I wasn't so insecure about myself? Would I have made that remark if I didn't care so much what they thought? What I have let him treat me that way if I respected myself more? It makes me sound shallow and makes me sound insecure but, to be perfectly honest, we all do it in some form or fashion; we change our behavior because we don't completely love ourselves, I mean.

More than that, I should love myself before I dive into any situation, be it a new position, a relationship or even a new pair of shoes. If I go into it loving myself, not only will I be more peaceful during the whole song and dance but also, I won't be able to be hurt unnecessarily. If I try out for something while loving myself, I will be okay if I don't get it and my happiness or satisfaction will not depend on whatever it is I want. Same with relationships and physical changes. There is a difference between trying to lose ten pounds because I think that it would make me look prettier and trying to lose ten pounds because it will finally bring me satisfaction in how I look. If it is the latter, how soon will it be until I will only love myself after losing another ten pounds?

Loving yourself is not being self-absorbed or self-righteous. Actually, I believe it to be the opposite. Both Kayla and Mrs. Stewart told me, although I'm sure they phrased it better, that loving yourself means being comfortable with who you are enough to be able to serve others and not be concerned with what's is wrong with you. I believed it the minute I heard it because it made perfect sense to me but as I've gotten older and Time has passed, I've found it to be true more and more. To expand on that, not only is it about losing yourself in what you're doing, but what I didn't realize at the time was the sort of peace one feels when they reach that level of comfort and love with themselves. Being able to enjoy an experience without that voice in your head telling you what you're doing wrong is a wonderful thing, and I think those that have reached that level of comfort, even if it was only once, would agree with me.

Additionally, people don't realize how pretty confidence or loving yourself is. I am not talking about arrogance or being cocky; I am talking about people who love themselves enough to be comfortable doing their own thing and won't judge you for doing yours. I'll be the first to say that when I feel insecure I sometimes will bring others down with me, and although I rarely verbalize it, it shows in my attitude, facial expressions or decisions. Being around people who love themselves is comfortable because I can be myself and know they won't criticize me for whatever it is people judge unnecessarily (clothes or hair style, for example); why would they judge me? I are not embarrassing them and they respect my weirdness because it's who I am, just like they are just who they are. And that is attractive in another person, knowing you can be yourself around them. One of my favorite Rob Bell quotes goes as follows because I feel like it gives me a fantastic point of view that I would have never seen on my own,

"The other day my five year old son asked my wife, 'Mom, what does sexy mean?'

She thought about it for a second and then replied, 'sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you.'

Because it all starts with being sexy on the inside."

I know it's not all black and white but for the most part it's true, confidence is attractive and it is generally nicer to be around people who aren't concerned that what they're doing isn't good enough than those that do.

I guess I don't love myself any less than the people around me but that does not mean I will cease to try and get people, including myself, to love themselves. In my dreams, it will become a fad and I will give in to peer pressure and love myself, but thinking rationally, I think it will take a little more than that for self-love and self-apprecation to become a more popular thing. I guess the only thing I can do is believe that I am loved, which I am, and try and figure out why. There's not a quick fix or an 8-step solution but I know it starts and ends with love, as most good and beautiful things do, and bringing myself down is not the correct way for me to start loving myself... Hopefully one day I will stop being concerned with what my hair is doing or what my friends would say and just give what I'm doing my all without fear.