The Crumpled Sticky Note of Worries

(Pardon the grammar errors and such. It's quite late, and I'm quite tired [of school...])

There are moments in life that, when I look back upon them, have me wishing for the ability to travel through time. Moments that make me crave the ability, no, the opportunity to go back and just give my darling younger self a hug.

It is as if I'm watching her in a movie, except it's the film screen behind my closed eyes. I look back and see how I anguished over something that worked out beautifully, although I had no way of knowing it would at the time.

I then experience this strange feeling that I owe it to myself to go back in time and comfort that poor girl -- give her hugs and play with her hair and assure her that things will turn out fine... only time and honesty are ever needed.

Perhaps I will start writing letters to my future self. Although it's reversed and basically unrelated, I do hope it will help throw comfort through time. One) write a testament of how things have worked out in the past, two) save it for one of my future anguished moments, three) see if the reminder in the beauty of things working out helps.

Time is so strange. 

Portrait Project Phase I

You think you know them. And you do. Or, at least, you feel as if you're grasping an idea of them. I returned here this January for another new semester but under completely different terms than the last time I came here for a new semester. I had friends this time, familiars -- what a vastly huge difference. And now, I am doing a photography project to mark my idea of the people I've come to know. I've attempted to capture how I view them at this moment. It might change as things do, but at least I'll have these ideas, images, moments recorded. Here is the first round...

Trenton

Murphy

Mary

Sadie

Luke

Old Teenage Hopes Are Alive At Your Door

So, right now, I'm sitting in Claire's bed (with her sound asleep next to me), it's 9:18 a.m. and a Friday. Why is this a big deal? Because school got cancelled today. Yes, every kid's dream come true. This wonderful, new pocket of free time excites me to no end. A whole extra day for me and not for tests, projects and deadlines! How magical. Anyway, this moment of limbo where I'm awake and everyone else (Claire mostly) is still asleep has allowed me some time to think... about life, about senior year and, most importantly, how I plan on spending my now three-day weekend.

Aaaaaaaand Claire just woke up.

So, with her half-asleep contributions, I will compile of list of 10 things I hope to do this weekend.

1. Give Claire a massage (Claire's contribution. So NO.)
2. Friday morning trip to Einstein Bagels and Starbucks to celebrate no school
3. Make sushi? Which will be a disaster.
4. Trip to Barnes
5. Bother a certain mom of ours
6. Photography adventures. In the cold. Which will be fun.
7. Finding new coffee shops with Susannah
8. Movie Madness Marathon
9. Want to visit the theater to see Black Swan
10. Maybe consider working out. But probably not.

So Give It Up, Throw Your Hats In The Air

New semester. Last semester. It's odd to think about how in 8 months, I won't be living here anymore. Well... It's odd, but it also kind of makes sense. I feel like everything that we've worked for and pushed for and talked about it is... here. Finally. Oddly. The final semester, the last few months, so densely packed with moments of reflection and pangs of sadness and waves of relief. Ha. We're all going to be emotional wrecks by the end of this one. So, here's to that. To the real, official beginning of The End. The moment we've all been waiting for.

(Upon the request of Tyler and Annie)
Dear Tyler Killion,
Here is your official mention on my blog. While this is not four pages (that is yet to come!), I thought this would count for something. Galveston was fun! (Except when you almost threw the six of us off the sea wall at least 204173498 times on that horrible pedaling contraption.) Have a good week!
-LB

HERE'S THE PICTURE YOU ALL MADE FUN OF ME FOR TAKING.

And This Is Where I Grew Up

New semester. Last semester. It's odd to think about how in 8 months, I won't be living here anymore. Well... It's odd, but it also kind of makes sense. I feel like everything that we've worked for and pushed for and talked about is... here. Finally. Oddly. The final semester, the last few months, so densely packed with moments of reflection and pangs of sadness and waves of relief. Ha. We're all going to be emotional wrecks by the end of this one. So, here's to that. To the real, official beginning of The End. The moment we've all been waiting for.

(Upon the request of Tyler and Annie)
Dear Tyler Killion,
Here is your official mention on my blog. While this is not four pages (that is yet to come!), I thought this would count for something. Galveston was fun! (Except when you almost threw the six of us off the sea wall at least 204173498 times on that horrible pedaling contraption.) Have a good week!
-LB

"Pictures Only Prove You Can't Convince"

It just hit me how much I feel like the people of our time, the people who are alive right now are just renting out the world. It's all so... temporary and brief. I was thinking about how I don't really care about leaving my mark for generations to come even though a lot of people do and then I thought about how fleeting this time is and how... well, no one cares that much about what we did after we're not alive anymore. That's scary and controversial and something most people don't want to hear but I mean, that's just how I feel. I mean, I don't disregard what everyone who is dead has done, of course not, but I respect them and their work and that's about it. It really matters what I'm doing right now with the people and things that I have and it shocks me how little time I have to live... I'm only going to be alive for like 80 more years max. That's freaky. Who cares about what I did after I'm dead? I don't want people to spend too much time focusing on what I did. I want them to enjoy the Life around them- the people, the pulse of where they're living, the things, the ideas, the passion- everything that is alive. The only way I want to be involved is in their growth and realizations and discussions, the things that make me feel alive. I don't want them to study the things that I did that won't affect them in anyway, that's a waste of time, I'm dead for crying out loud! Who cares! And now I'm going to flip that around and talk about how I'm going to live my life while I'm alive. I don't want to waste time on this world, on this place that I'm renting out for 100 years or less. I know I sound so cliché but I don't actually believe that 98% of people who talk like this actually mean it. I hope they do though. I want people to realize how short their lives are and how much they have to experience and appreciate. SO cliché. Oh well. I mean it.

Don't mind the grammatical errors. I wrote this quickly and am posting it without proofing it. Oh my gosh this is so long, I'm sorry.

"Wasting" Time

"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted."
-John Lennon

This is exactly how I feel! So maybe you weren't the most productive person in existence when you were having a deep conversation with a good friend the night before the math test. I still wouldn't call that wasted time.

tired

I have school and activities and responsibilities and expectations and a future to worry about and I'm tired. I'm not complaining about it, I'm not having a melt-down or a panic attack; I'm just saying that I'm tired. But what is going to change? There is nothing I can do to make it, what is demanded from me, any different. And ignoring it definitely is not going to help, that will only make things worse. Even when I'm given a week long break to relax, the world shoves college visits and financial aid discussions and pressure to fit in some bonus community service hours down my throat. A vacation trip to Austin is an underlying attempt by my parents to make me consider UT; is this what "relaxation" means now? I know I have the easy life, and I'm not self-pitying; I am lucky, beyond lucky. I am not complaining, not even stressed or in need of a hug. I'm just sighing and brushing the hair out of my eyes, a little melancholy and pensive, and tired. Always tired.

The Plan We Don't See

(just noticed I wrote the same thing like one week ago but the thing is I have no recollection of writing that so here's this. whatever!)

There are few things better than an unexpected wonderful moment, even one that lasts for four hours long. You expect good things from spending a weekend with your friends, a church retreat or even summer camp but those times when you never saw it coming? Nothing like it. Not only is your day or week brightened by such a great surprise but it really... humbles you. You realize that there is more to your life than what you have planned. Here's the thing, when people say stuff like that, it's normally bad stuff that's not planned, but no one really considers the good stuff. This is why at times we see God as the one who balances out our life by adding bad while we plan the good, but that is so messed up. It is not a huge fault of ours; what else are we going to do? Sit around and wait for good stuff to happen when we could just plan it? But we've warped that into thinking, subconsciously, that we know what will be good always and we know what will be the best outcome. False. That is why, when good things happen completely randomly, it humbles me. It gives me peace, the fact that things are happening in my life that are so beyond me and my current self. More than that, that same peace makes it less scary to enter the world of the unknown in the form of college, the summer@Brown program, yearbook next year and so much more.

"The mind of a man plan his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

-Proverbs 16:9

cool verse huh?